I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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