if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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