before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
