Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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