Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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