This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
