Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize