I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
