I seem to have left my pride at pride
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
