i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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