I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Randomize