He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
