For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
