I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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