There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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