I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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