I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
