Three words: puerto rican gang bang
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
