the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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