apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
