your thong is hanging out like whoa
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize