I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
