sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
