You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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