i would punch a child for taco bell
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
