girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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