Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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