Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
