I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
