So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
