He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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