hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
