It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
