I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
