this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
