this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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