There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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