I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
