So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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