Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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