Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Randomize
