Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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