Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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