There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
