Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
