End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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