the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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