and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
