Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
