Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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