Your mouth is God's brothel.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
