I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I am one with the molecules
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
